


The Very Modern Adventures of Renly and Loras (a.k.a. "Renly, no.")

by rockethousebirdship



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Domestic Fluff, Drinking, Ficlet Collection, Light BDSM, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:32:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 10,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4299672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockethousebirdship/pseuds/rockethousebirdship
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ficlets featuring a Modern Renly and Loras that will be updated periodically and have ratings ranging from G to Explicit.  Why is the subtitle, "Renly, no."?  I'm sure you'll begin to figure it out after the first few chapters.</p><p>(Side note: I've opened a Renly tumblr aptly called "stannissucks" that acts as an RP blog that updates frequently in between posts here if you need a Renly fix--come bother me or follow! c: )</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An introduction to how I see a modern Renly and Loras, and what you will find here. Very short, very simple.

With a modern Renly and Loras, I obviously see them having different occupations. The Baratheons own an arms company, and have made their fortune supplying arms and ammunition to the UK's armies. Stannis is the head of this company and takes things way too seriously, which leads to Renly not working as much and trying to stay out of the public eye, but still reaping the benefits of being of the wealthy Baratheon family. Robert is already dead in this story, and the Baratheons dislike the Lannisters very much, assuming they played a role in his untimely death. (Here I am imagining the very beautiful Cersei becoming a happy, even richer widow.)

Loras, however, spent a short time as a successful soldier at the insistence of his parents to carry on the "family legacy" of military service. After his time there, he followed his passion for art. This modern Loras has some tattoos, which will be revealed in later stories. Since the Baratheon family is in the spotlight due to their wealth and dealings with the military, Loras dislikes this aspect of his relationship with Renly, but he deals with it for their sake.

Which brings me to the point that most of these short stories are about Renly being a little shit, others are not. Some are sweet, some are funny, and some will have sex-scenes, or even sweet, funny sex-scenes.

And thus concludes my modern Renly and Loras headcanons/story frame. I apologize ahead of time for being a non-British English writer trying to write in that style for when they speak.


	2. Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly brings home the world's ugliest plant. Rated Teen.

“What the hell is that thing?”

Renly stood in front of Loras holding a pot of dirt that contained one very sad looking fern that was way too small for the pot it resided in.  It looked shriveled up on one side, while the other side was green and healthy.

“Renly, please don’t tell me you paid actual money for that sad excuse of a houseplant.”

“I didn’t!  And even if I did, it’d be my decision anyways.  Our bank account is half mine too, remember?”  
  
“Renly, that thing belongs in the trash.”  Renly made a face at what he thought was a most insulting comment—that plant probably had feelings and Loras could be making its condition worse if anything.  He decided that Loras was definitely being unnecessarily cruel to the struggling plant. “Okay, where’d you get it then?” Loras asked, deciding to deviate away from abusing the plant further after seeing Renly’s hurt expression.

Renly avoided Loras’s eyes at this inquiry, but he answered honestly, “I was at Lowe’s and they were going to throw it away. So I asked if I could have it and they agreed.”

“So you pretty much volunteered to take this garbage fern?" 

“Loras, I couldn’t let them just throw it in the trash! It’s not completely dead yet!”

Loras mentally face-palmed—Renly would make an ass of himself at Lowe’s by refusing to let the employees toss away this embarrassment of nature.  “You at least got the rosebushes for the garden, right?”

“The what?”

If it wasn’t for Renly’s looks and overall good-nature, Loras swears he would have left him by now.  “You’re really lucky you’re cute, Ren, real fucking lucky.”


	3. The Safe Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly and Loras try to come up with a safe word at the worst possible moment. Rated Explicit.

“Renly, w-we need a safe word…” Loras managed to suggest despite the fact that the vibrator currently lodged in his ass was on the highest setting possible, and driving him completely _insane_.

“Fuck, Loras, I don’t know…,” Renly trailed off, pulling the vibrator from Loras slowly so that it stuck out over half-way before sliding it back into him, causing Loras to let out a most lovely moan. “Uh…shit.  Pasta primavera?”

Loras paused, able to ignore the vibrator tickling at his prostate, only lifting his head because his arms were bound to the headboard of their bed.  “You’re joking, right?” 

Renly shook his head, breathing a little heavy at the sight of Loras bound and looking absolutely wrecked already. “Safe words are words not normally said in conversation, yeah?”

“But fucking pasta primavera, are you serious?!” Loras tugged at the restraints angrily, glaring at Renly.

“Loras, I can’t take you seriously with a dildo coming out of your arse, and just now—were you saying the safe word to use it or mocking me still?”

“I’m literally going to kill you when I’m out of these cuffs, Renly.”


	4. The IKEA Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly attempts to pull a prank in an IKEA that leads to some problems. This chapter is based off of an "Imagine Your OTP" post on tumblr. Rated Teen.

Renly only wanted to play a prank on Loras—something he did quite often.  They were at IKEA shopping around to get ideas for redesigning their guest bedroom when Renly told Loras he would be right back, but disappeared. 

After about seven minutes, Loras knew that Renly was playing a joke on him.  He looked around the store for Renly for what felt like hours, but really was only a little over an hour.  Renly picked a hell of a time to get lost—the store was closing soon.  Loras frantically called Renly’s phone as employees made announcements that the store would close in fifteen minutes, this was quickly becoming irritating.

Naturally, all of Loras’s phone calls went unanswered. There was no other option besides Loras hiding in the store as it closed to figure out where the hell Renly snuck off to. He hid under a bed as the store closed, waiting until the lights were dimmed and he could hear no more employees.

It was while Loras was under the bed that he got an idea—what if that’s where Renly was?  Loras was quiet as he snuck out from his hiding place, beginning to search under all the beds in various displays they had visited earlier. Sure enough, Loras eventually found Renly sleeping under a bed, not far from where he left Loras originally.

“Get up, you shit!  The bloody store’s closed,” Loras paused, reaching under the bed to shake Renly’s shoulder, “Get up!”

Renly jumped a little when Loras shook him, hitting his head off of the bedframe.  He whined, rubbing his head where he hit it before crawling out sleepily. “Very funny, Loras, you just don’t want to admit you’ve been pranked good.”

Loras couldn’t help but roll his eyes when Renly said that; he wished that were the case, but instead they were literally trapped in IKEA until morning.  “You’re an absolutely shit, Renly Baratheon!  I wish I were telling a lie, but I’m not.  We’re really stuck here until morning because you had to go and…fall asleep under a stupid bed covered in…stupid decorations!”  With his last outburst, Loras grabbed two of the pillows off the bed Renly was hiding under and threw them as far as he could.

Loras was right; the pillows were pretty hideous and Renly couldn’t help but laugh.  Renly looked around, sighing as he saw Loras was telling the truth. “I guess we just have to wait it out until morning then.”

“Renly, I am not spending a night in an IKEA. I refuse to!  I’ll call the police to get us out if I have to.” But Loras knew this was a losing battle, he was quickly losing his will to fight with Renly, frustrated over the situation. He also knew calling the police meant admitting to staying in the store past closing.  There wasn’t a good way out of this.

“What choice do we have?  We may as well make the best of it, yeah?” Renly came over, resting his hands on Loras’s shoulders, looking into his eyes.  “There are ways to keep ourselves occupied until it opens again.” Renly smiled and he glanced over at the bed that had caused them so much heartache.

Loras looked at Renly, then looked to the bed, catching what he was saying.  “Are you seriously suggesting we kill time by fucking in an IKEA?" 

“That is exactly what I’m suggesting, love,” Renly smiled still, sliding his hands from Loras’s shoulders up to rest on his face, supporting his head so Loras had to meet his eyes.

Loras smiled, unable to resist Renly when he looked so excited about something.  It was probably wise to make the best of the situation anyways.

“Okay,” Loras finally said, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on Renly’s lips as he closed the space between them.


	5. The Toys R' Us Hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly and Loras partied a little too hard, but have to wake up early go buy Shireen a birthday gift. Rated Teen.

Renly had to admit it, him and Loras drank way too much the night before.  Normally, they knew when to stop, or one would stop the other, but last night was different.

They were at a house party; it was one of Loras’s friend’s birthdays and said host had entirely way too much alcohol to go around. Usually, such an event wouldn’t be an issue, but the very next afternoon Renly was expected to make an appearance at his neice’s birthday.

Shireen would be turning 9 years old and Renly hadn’t even bought her a present yet.  All he knew was that at about 10am, Loras woke him up and forced him to leave the house in a very hung-over state so that they could stop at a Toys R’ Us to buy her a gift.

Renly wanted to practically sob as he wandered through the aisles of bright pink-packaged items that he was sure Shireen wouldn’t even want.  “Loras, these aisles are offensive to the eyes.”

Loras glanced over at Renly, raising an eyebrow, “Really?  _That_ is what you find offensive here? What do you suggest we get her then, Renly?”

When Renly turned to look at Loras, he must have moved too fast.  He felt nauseated and quickly scrambled to find a bathroom because he knew he was going to be sick.

It was over ten minutes before Renly came back, looking a little happier and holding a set of forest animal action figures. He smiled a little at Loras, “I think I found her the perfect thing.”

“Do you seriously think I’m simply going to ignore the fact you just got over your hangover in a Toys R’ Us bathroom?”

“It was worth a shot.”

Shireen liked the forest animals set very much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope someone is enjoying these! I think I'm going to start having a couple chapters that tie-in to each other, but are still short stories that could easily stand alone.


	6. The Dirty-Talk Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loras wants Renly to talk dirty to him more, but Renly does not perform well under pressure. Rated Explicit.

“O-oh god, Loras, yes,” Renly moaned as he felt Loras slowly slide his tongue up along the underside of his cock before taking his entire length in to his mouth.  Loras looked up at Renly expectantly—Loras loved when Renly talked dirty to him and it didn’t matter when or where, he simply loved it, but they had just agreed Renly would do it more.

The thing was, poor Renly didn’t do well under pressure. Loras coaxed him on by bobbing his head up and down slowly, letting Renly’s cock nudge against the back of his throat, but the sight of Loras glancing up at him on occasion gave Renly a bit of stage fright, no matter how nice this felt.

“That’s it, Loras, keep sucking my cock. You like that, don’t you? You curly-headed fuck.”

Loras kind of froze for a moment. It was one of the least attractive things he’s ever heard during sex and it was a ruddy _Step Brothers_ quote, for god’s sake.  He lifted his head from Renly’s cock, narrowing his eyes at Renly to drive home the point that he just fucked up, yet, Loras didn’t want to ruin the experience completely. 

“Bend over the bed, Renly.  You’re going to learn to never quote _Step Brothers_ during sex again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I will get to the chapters that connect to each other shortly here within the next few. I've just been very, very busy.


	7. The Hidden Talent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly has a hidden talent that he's slightly embarrassed about. Rated Teen.

“Ren, I didn’t know you played the ukelele.” Loras paused in the doorway of their room, watching Renly strum away happily on the relatively small ukulele, looking as though he was in his own world. 

Renly kind of paused in horror, ceasing to play his music, and he looked up at Loras to exclaim, “You…you weren’t supposed to be back so early!”

“And now here I am.  Now what were you playing?” Loras could see that Renly was embarrassed, but he came over anyways to sit on the bed near him, crossing his legs to get comfortable.  
  
“Just something little I’ve been working on.  I play the guitar too, if you must know.  And maybe the violin as well—maybe.”

Loras looked almost offended that Renly had failed to share any of this with him in that the time they have been together.  “Renly! Why would you keep this a secret? That’s incredible.”

“I…well, you’re already dating a rich weirdo. I didn’t want to make it worse by being the rich weirdo that plays the ukulele.  Everyone always makes in fun of ukulele guy.”

“Ren.”  Loras reached over to touch Renly’s face gently.  He uncrossed his legs to scoot closer and tilted Renly’s head so he could place a light kiss on his lips.  “But you’re my rich, ukulele-playing weirdo, now keep playing.”

Renly smiled at that and watched Loras sit back again before he restarted his song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very sorry for the slow updates! I'm currently in the middle of studying for my qualifying exams and working on a publication due in about two weeks. Oddly enough, I'll have more time to write when the school season starts, but I haven't abandoned this by any means.


	8. The Pizza Toppings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loras calls Renly out on his pizza-eating habits. Rated Teen.

Renly watched as Loras carefully picked off the black olives, pepperoni, and sausage from his pizza slices, almost looking mournful at the discarded toppings.

“You know that just leaves green peppers and cheese, right? That’s it. You’ve literally stripped the pizza. I mean, you could’ve told me you hated every topping except green peppers before I ordered it, love.”

Loras raised an eyebrow, pausing to look at Renly. “I know you’re going to just eat the toppings I pick off anyways, you always do. Sometimes you even just eat the toppings off the pizza before I pick it off, so why not order them?”

“I do not always eat the toppings!”

Loras snorted quietly at Renly’s offensive attitude, biting into the first slice. He knew if he waited long enough, Renly would prove his point for him. Half-way through his first slice, Loras glanced up to see Renly staring at the pile of toppings, looking as if he was almost in physical pain.

Rolling his eyes, Loras grabbed a new slice of pizza, placed it on a plate and put all of his own unwanted toppings on top of the new slice. “There, now just eat it. Your staring is making me uncomfortable and you look like you’re trying not to soil yourself.”

“Thank you, Loras,” Renly muttered, pulling the plate towards his own spot at the table. The pizza did look pretty amazing, even if Loras did accuse him of always eating the toppings off their pizzas—which he definitely, always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is a four part (at least) chapter series about Renly and Loras taking a camping trip. c:


	9. The Tent (The Camping Trip 1 of 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly and Loras go camping and must first assemble the tent. Part 1 of 4 of the Camping Trip story. Rated Teen.

“Renly, you did not forget the directions to the bloody tent.  Please tell me you’re joking, please.”

“Loras, I truly wish I was joking because there is no way in hell we’ll have this tent together by dark.”  Renly and Loras had driven out to a secluded area of the woods. They turned off their phones and vowed to ditch all technology while they spent the weekend together camping in a tent.

Loras was originally very excited about the whole trip, but he hadn’t really taken into consideration Renly’s talent for losing things until they were faced with a pile of small rods and a tent that resembled more of a trash bag at the moment. 

“Okay, we’re not stupid, we’re fairly intelligent really—we can figure this out!  Living off the land is a challenge, according to the various outdoors-themed reality shows I have watched about twenty minutes of total, but we can do this. C’mon, Loras, just try with me,” Renly said as he smiled up at Loras hopefully.  Loras really couldn’t resist when Renly was being so damn optimistic. 

“We’re not even living off the land, Ren,” Loras answered, pausing before adding, “But my single condition is that you can’t make any jokes about pitching tents in your pants or anything similar.” 

“That’s completely fair, no pants-tent jokes!” Renly laughed only because Loras knew him way too well—he had at least four good erection-related tent jokes ready, but a deal was a deal.

Luckily, the pair succeeded in constructing the tent before nightfall and no pants-tent jokes were to be had.   Their next concern was with building a fire to cook food and stay warm with since the nights there got to be so cold.


	10. The Campfire (The Camping Trip 2 of 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loras and Renly have to build a campfire of what is part 2 of 4 in their very cute camping trip. Rated for General Audiences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there was so much delay between parts! Keep in mind I will never abandon this thing, even if it seems long between updates. :) Grad school, conventions, and other life things just keep taking up time and happening.

Loras walked around the immediate area with Renly, gathering sticks and brush to place in the middle of what looked to be a previous fire pit someone had dug out and left behind for future campers.

They were almost done gathering fire-starting materials when Renly, his hands full with sticks, called out to Loras, “Loras! Can you grab this one here? My hands are full.” 

Loras walked over to help Renly and simply sighed when he reached down, only to have the “stick” wiggle away. “A brown snake. As if that’s never been done before, Renly.”  Renly giggled as the pair walked back to the tent—he thought it was funny.

The pair put the extra sticks and few logs aside, before beginning to attempt starting the fire.  “Renly, we probably need paper or something to get this going,” Loras said as he crouched by the pit, neatly arranging the sticks and brush.

“You didn’t tell me to bring paper, Loras,” Renly sighed, looking down at him.  “Wait! I’ll look in the car. Maybe there’s something in there.”  With that, Renly walked back to the car to look for something flammable while Loras took a seat on the ground, appearing exasperated.  
  
“Here!” Renly hurried back, pass the ‘missing’ tent instructions off to Loras with a big smile on his face.  
  
“You said these were missing. It took us hours to build that bloody tent because you said these were missing!” Loras stood back up, angrily tearing apart the instructions before shoving them into various places amongst the brush to be lit.  
  
“Yes, I did. And now I’ve found them, and we will burn them.”

Loras could only sigh as he began to light the instructions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this wee nugget of story. The next chapter is so cute, D: so so cute. Okay it's a little funny too, but mostly disgustingly cute.


	11. The 'Squatch (The Camping Trip 3 of 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly and Loras are generally adorable, attempt to sleep, and fail in part 3 of 4 of their camping trip. Rated General Audiences.

As much as Loras hated to admit it, burning the instructions was a great idea.  It took a bit of doing, but Renly and Loras eventually had themselves a nice campfire to sit by, use for cooking, and to keep warm with.  
  
They stayed outside by the fire for hours, cuddling together as they watched the flames slowly burn away at the logs they found. Renly even treated Loras to a song his brother Robert used to sing when they went camping as young boys. Of course Renly wasn’t the best singer, but Loras wouldn’t trade him or his mediocre singing for anything. Loras watched the stars as Renly quietly sang to him—many more short songs about heroes, drinking, love, and camping. With the combination of the warm fire, soothing songs, Renly holding him closely, and the stars above, Loras could feel himself drifting off into a very relaxed sleep.

Renly knew it was getting late when Loras began nodding off in his arms.  He smiled as he looked down to see Loras, face cuddled against his chest, sleeping peacefully. Not wanting to disturb him, Renly stopped his singing and knew they had to get inside the tent anyways. The flames from the fire were slowly turning into brightly glowing embers, so he nudged Loras awake, “Hey, Lorax. We got to get inside the tent before bears come eat us or something.” 

Loras whined in his sleepy daze, opening an eye, “Stop calling me that,” he said, smiling anyways as he sat up and yawned. Renly laughed a little before following Loras into the tent, removing their shoes and clothes in exchange for warmer pajamas.

The two resumed their snuggling once under the blankets, with the tent zippered up to keep the heat in and who knows what else out. Loras, already tired, was fast asleep, while Renly sat awake for a little while.  He wasn’t used to so much silence. 

The only sounds that could be heard was the sound of a gentle breeze blowing over the tent, the chirp of crickets, and an occasional croak of a far off frog.   That was, until Renly heard footsteps and twigs snapping close by. The footsteps sounded heavy, and he swore he could hear breathing.  Panicked, he shook Loras awake gently, speaking in hushed whispers, “Loras! Loras, something is out there…or someone! Do you hear it?”

Loras lifted his head, blinking away his tiredness to listen for what Renly was hearing, and he froze when he heard it too. Renly could not calm down though—he knew something large could never be good when in the forest. “What if there’s a ‘squatch in these woods, Loras?!”

“Renly, shut up!”  Loras hissed, getting out of the blankets to crawl towards the edge of the tent, starting to undo the zippered opening. Renly always admired how brave Loras was, but he still looked mortified as Loras prepared to peek outside.

Once the tent was opened, Loras scooted out of the way, motioning for Renly to come over close to him.  He didn’t want to, but got up slowly anyways, peering outside to see a large bear rooting around their dying fire—probably in search of food from dinner.

After watching the bear for a few minutes, Loras zippered the tent back up slowly, and they both retreated back under the covers. “It won’t hurt us?” Renly asked quietly, sounding scared still.  Loras wanted to stay quiet as to not disturb the bear, so he simply shook his head. He knew how unlikely it was for bears to attack, and so he slipped his arms around Renly’s waist to draw him close again.

A part of Loras did this to comfort Renly, another part to cuddle back up to him so he could sleep.  He would have to tease Renly the next day about actually thinking Sasquatch could be a possibility.


	12. The Return Home (The Camping Trip 4 of 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly and Loras return home from their weekend camping trip in part 4 of 4. Rated Teen and Up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very sorry for the delay! Grad school is terrible etc, etc., but enjoy!

The weekend of camping went by quickly, but on Sunday, Loras was ready to go home.  He had to admit it; he missed technology and there was artwork to catch up on. Yet, he also had to admit that there were great moments during their weekend in the woods that he was sure were going to end in disaster.  After the bear incident, things went much smoother.  Renly and Loras went swimming in a nearby creek after a lengthy hike, and they built another fire to cook on before retreating back to the tent for the night, where things only got better.

Renly was careful about taking down the tent and packing it away neatly to use again before placing it back into the car, along with their other belongings.  On the way home, Loras couldn’t help but sigh as he looked outside at the scenery while Renly drove.  He loved the outdoors for its views, but he still missed the comforts of their home.

Upon arriving back at home, both Renly and Loras worked to unpack and sort their laundry.  Oddly enough, the house seemed as quiet as the forest they had just left. Finally, Renly broke the silence, “We both need showers badly, Loras—or a bath.  Just something, because as good as campfire smells, I think we also smell like dirt and creek water.”    
  
Loras smiled and simply nodded before he perked his head up with realization.  “Why don’t we have a bath together?  It’d be a nice way to round out the weekend and that way, we don’t have to take turns showering or anything.”

Naturally, Renly agreed and he retreated to the bathroom attached to their bedroom in order to begin filling the large, in-ground tub with water.  They both undressed as the tub was filled enough for them both to get in without it leaking over the sides.  
  
Renly got in first, leaning against the side of the tub so Loras could get in too—of course, Loras chose to cuddle right up to Renly almost immediately, leaning against his chest as they began to relax in the soothing, hot water. After settling in, Renly began to wash Loras’ hair, careful not to get any shampoo in his eyes. He laughed quietly as he rinsed Loras’ hair and watched it all fall straight from the weight of the water. He always laughed when Loras’ hair got wet and temporarily lost its curls.  
  
They took turns washing each other to scrub away the scent of the woods, campfire, and creek, and cuddled close once again when they were clean.

“We got to get out of here, Ren, we’ll get all wrinkled,” Loras muttered quietly after a little while, making no effort to move away from Renly’s chest.  
  
“Just a bit longer, okay?” Renly asked as he smiled down at Loras, pulling him a little closer, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on his lips.


	13. The Video Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loras and Renly prove there is no such thing as 'friendly competition' in their home. Rated Teen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a delay again! Grad school as usual, plus I had a minor surgery that knocked me on my butt for a few days. But I really loved writing this chapter--enjoy!

Renly was shocked and appalled. He was offended beyond belief. He felt as though no one had ever done something so cruel to him, and to make matters worse, Loras was the offending party.  
  
Loras was sitting alone in their living room playing Mario Kart, and he didn’t ask Renly to join him.  “How dare you?!” Renly exclaimed, narrowing his eyes at Loras as he continued focusing on the game.  
  
“How dare I what, Renly?” Loras asked casually, still not bothering to look up from the game.   
  
“How dare you play Mario Kart and not ask me to join? You know I love a good friendly competition.”  
  
“Renly,” Loras sighed, fighting back rolling his eyes, “What you call ‘friendly competition’ usually results in one of us sleeping on the couch. Besides, I thought you were busy—you were literally on the phone a minute ago.”

Loras had a very good point.  Both of them could get really competitive, but Renly was the worst when it came to video games.  Loras was more the type to throw a board game, but Renly would hold a grudge when beaten in video games—there was no such thing as ‘friendly competition’ in this household.

“Loras,” Renly repeated, mocking the way Loras had just said his name, “I was on the phone with _Stannis_ , which hardly counts as being busy; and besides, now my soul feels as though it has been sucked out of me.  I could really do with a round of Mario Kart."

“Fine. But I will not fight with you about this game if you lose and I am not letting you sleep on the couch again if you lose.”

“Loras, that only happened once.” 

“My ass ‘only once.’” Loras restarted the game for two players as Renly settled in next to him.  
  
The pair played for about an hour before Renly began to get huffy as he continuously lost game after game.  Finally, Renly sat down the controller and looked to Loras before saying, “You’re only winning because I chose Donkey Kong. Everyone knows Donkey Kong’s weight makes his car a bit slower.  Plus Princess Peach is a cheating bitch!”  
  
Loras stared at Renly in disbelief.  “You do realize this is a video game, right? Princess Peach can’t consciously cheat and weight doesn’t apply.  See! This is what I’m talking about! You can’t just play a game.” 

“You’re just cross that I’ve called you and Princess Peach out on your cheating ways,” Renly answered testily, standing up.  
  
“You’re actually serious. You actually believe that a video game character can cheat and weight effects the game.” Renly didn’t responded to Loras’ accusations and walked away to grab a drink of water. “Oh my god I’m dating an actual child.”  
  
“Then that makes you a pedophile _and_ a cheater, Loras!” Renly called from the kitchen, filling a glass with water before coming back and sitting down again.

“Fine. Rematch. Just so I can beat you again.”


	14. The Jelly (The Night of Drinking 1 of 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly and Loras have a bit too much wine one night. Part 1 of 3 of The Night of Drinking, Rated Teen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So very sorry for the very long delay--school is still ruining my life! At least finals are soon. Happy Thanksgiving to all who do that thing!

Renly and Loras didn’t plan on getting _this_ drunk, but here they were, a couple bottles of wine later. Renly was lying on the carpet face down, in his briefs, while Loras sat nearby at an easel, dipping his hand into paint before making streaks down a canvas with his fingertips.  
  
“Loras,” Renly began before pausing, looking up to where Loras was seated, “What’reyoudoing?” Renly’s words ran together as he spoke.

Loras paused his seemingly very serious finger-painting to look at Renly and he shrugged.  “I’m painting a jelly.” 

Renly narrowed his eyes, confused, but then realized Loras meant a ‘jellyfish.’ It looked absolutely terrible. Renly thought to himself, _I’ve got an idea_. There was a long period of silence between them before Renly said aloud, “Aren’t you going to ask what my idea it is?”

“What do you mean? What idea?”

“I said I’ve got an idea, but you didn’t ask what,” Renly replied, turning on his side to get a better look at Loras.

“You didn’t say shit out loud, Wenly.” Loras began to laugh hysterically after saying ‘Wenly’ and Renly couldn’t help but laugh too. It seemed like an eternity of laughter before Loras finally calmed down and asked, “What was the idea, Renly?”


	15. The "Prank" Call (The Night of Drinking 2 of 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly and Loras have a bit too much wine one night and Renly has the awful idea of calling Stannis. Part 2 of 3 of The Night of Drinking, Rated Teen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another delay! School is still ruining my life, but Renly and Loras are not. c: Happy Holidays to everyone!

“Let’s call Stannis.”

“Renly. That is the worst idea right now—even I’m not _that_ drunk,” Loras stated, forgetting his fingers were covered in paint as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Well, if you’re drunk enough to smear blue paint in your hair, you’re drunk enough to call Stannis.” Loras whimpered as he realized he had indeed just smeared paint into his hair, but even so, he didn’t want to call Stannis—he never wanted to talk to Stannis. On the other hand, he also didn’t want Renly to get in one of his moods where he pestered him until he finally got his way either.

“Fine. Call Stannis. But I’m not talking to him! It’s all you,” Loras answered, standing up to inspect his hair in the mirror.

He heard Renly say, “Yes!” under his breath, before searching for his cellphone. Once Renly located his own cellphone, which had actually been in his hand the entire time, he dialed Stannis.

Although Stannis practically despised his baby brother, he answered every time he called out of fear something terrible had happened, or that there was a problem with the family company. Tonight was no different, so he picked up the phone, sounding exhausted, “Yes?”  
  
“Knock knock.”

“Renly. You do realize you called without blocking your ID, right? And besides, I am not in the mood for one of your childish jokes.”  
  
“Fuck you, Stannis. I don’t _care_ about you knowing it’s me, I said fuckin’ knock knock.”

“Who’s there, Renly?” Stannis’ voice was the exasperated voice of a man who had been on the receiving end of Renly’s jokes for a very long time.

“Boo.”

“Boo, who?” Stannis pinched the bridge of his nose, realizing what he’d just said aloud.

“Why you crying, Stannis?” Renly burst into laughter at his own joke, and even Loras couldn’t help but giggle when he imagined how angry Stannis must look.  
  
“I swear I will end you one day, Renly.”   
  
Renly only laughed harder at Stannis’ tone and answered, “Eat shit, Stannis!”

Renly promptly hung up after the last outburst, and he simply looked at Loras before laughing hysterically again. When they finally had calmed themselves, Renly looked to Loras after a minute of silence, sighing, “I’m starving.”


	16. The Macaroni and Cheese (The Night of Drinking 3 of 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To finish their night, Renly and Loras make macaroni and cheese since Renly is drunk-hungry. Part 3 of 3 of The Night of Drinking, Rated Teen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa! What is this?! Two updates in about 24 hours whaaaaat??? Anyways. For more Renly, I've started a sort-of-roleplay tumblr rightfully named stannissucks, where Renly complains about Stannis, happenings on the show, and life with Loras. Give it a follow or ask if you'd like to get your Renly/Loras fix on a regular basis :) (in short, I update that more frequently than the fic so it's a good way to bide time).
> 
> Also, next chapter should have some smut because it's been too long.

Loras, once again, knew that Renly would be persistent and probably just whine a lot if they didn’t make a plan to cook some food. The problem was, they were both pretty drunk still and Loras knew cooking was probably a bad idea. In all actuality, they could have easily ordered a pizza. That’s why Loras had no idea why he said, “Go make some mac n’ cheese, yeah?”

Renly grinned when Loras suggested macaroni and cheese, and he leaned over to kiss Loras gently before answering, “Okay.” He got up to wander into the kitchen, grabbing what he would need to make it, and probably because of the amount of alcohol in his system, Loras left him alone to make it.  

Loras eventually walked into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around Renly’s waist as he stirred the mac n’ cheese. He nuzzled his face against Renly’s back, hoping that the paint in his hair had at least dried so he wasn’t making Renly a mess too—not that Renly would have cared anyways.

The mac n’ cheese was soon completed and the pair helped themselves to a bowl of it, sitting down on the couch to eat together. It looked delicious and Loras was quick to practically shovel spoonful after spoonful into his mouth; but it wasn’t long before he realized something was off. He kind of paused and chewed slowly, trying to pinpoint exactly what he was tasting.

“Renly. Renly, why does this taste like birthday cake?”

“Oh, come on, Loras; I think it’s pretty good!” Renly looked almost hurt, and continued to eat for the time being.

“I mean…it’s not _bad_ , it just tastes like birthday cake, and well, macaroni and cheese shouldn’t be sweet, Renly.” Loras could see the hurt expression on Renly, and so tried to approach the subject as gently as possible.

Renly kind of stared off for a moment, pausing his eating, and he sighed as if he had just remembered something. “I changed the milk, I bet it was the milk.”

“What do you mean you ‘changed’ the milk?”

“Well, we were out of regular milk so I figured it’d be okay to use the soy.”

Loras took a deep breath and nodded, because it all suddenly made sense. “You used the soy. The vanilla flavored soy. That explains the birthday cake.”

“I’m so sorry, Loras,” Renly apologized as he looked over at Loras with tears in his eyes. “I really am. It was stupid.” Renly began to cry, still holding onto his bowl of macaroni and cheese, and looking rather pitiful. Loras had forgotten how emotional Renly could be when he was drunk, and he didn’t mean to offend him—the whole thing was actually pretty funny, but Loras sat his bowl aside and scooted closer to Renly so he could rest his hands on his shoulders.

“Shhhh, come on now, Ren, it’s okay. I wasn’t mad about it, not at all. It doesn’t even taste bad!” Loras pulled Renly closer, hugging his neck, as Renly tried to calm down, or at least slow his crying—knowing how ridiculous it all was. 

“I am sorry though, Loras, I am.” Renly at least quieted down when he was able to bury his face against Loras’ neck. It wasn’t long before Renly had stopped crying, and pulled back so he could smile at Loras, “Thank you for putting up with me.”  
  
“Renly,” Loras simply sighed, unable to respond properly before Renly was kissing him gently. He smiled against Renly’s lips, glad to see him getting over the birthday cake macaroni and cheese.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: If you add vanilla soy in mac n cheese instead of milk, this actually happens.


	17. The "S word"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lords pretty much destroys the mood by saying the "S word" during sex. Rated Explicit.

Renly had Loras on all fours on their bed, and he clung to hips tightly as he slammed against him, being his usual loud self. Loras was overwhelmed; his jaw hung slightly slack as Renly found his prostate. “R-renly, you’ve got to be quieter!” Loras managed to say, turning his head to look back at Renly as well as he could.

“W-what?” Renly stuttered out, feeling himself getting closer to orgasm, trying desperately to maintain his steady rhythm.

“Stannis. Y-you’re forgetting Stannis!...right in the other room,” Loras choked out, jerking himself off in sync with Renly’s thrusts.

But at the mention of Stannis, Renly’s movements slowly, and he sounded exasperated, “Loras. You said the bloody S-word. W-we had agreed, never the S-word during sex, Loras!”

“You were being too loud,” Loras whined, desperate for Renly to keep going—he was so close himself, and the sudden loss of Renly fucking into him left him feeling so needy for the feeling again. 

“But Loras,” Renly countered, and despite his disgust, he started his movements again, hearing Loras’ whines, which clearly meant for him to keep going. “Never again, please?”

“Only if you’re quieter! He hates us enough already.” Loras sighed contently as Renly regained his pace, although he made a kind of exaggerated sigh at even the mention of “He.”

Renly tried to clear Stannis out of his mind now, only focusing on Loras as he pulled out of him only to push back in quickly, feeling his orgasm building up again. “How can I be quiet when I have someone so beautiful in front me?” Renly smiled, reaching up with one hand to run his fingers through Loras’ hair.

Loras couldn’t help but blush, gasping as he began to come onto the covers below him, tightening his hold on his own cock to finish himself off. “Renly,” Loras managed to answer back, glancing back at Renly again.

Renly didn’t last much longer, and much to Loras’ satisfaction, he actually managed to avoid Stannis hearing them from the down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay again! It's always thanks to school. Plus side is that I won an award for my writing that is not fanfic! I am hoping to update more since my only current tasks are homework, an application, and a new cosplay.


	18. The Circus (Part 1 of 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly has the worst date idea ever--the circus. Part 1 of 2, rated Teen. TW: Coulrophobia, or clowns because clowns.

“This is the worst date idea you’ve had since…since forever!” Loras looked outside of the car window as Renly drove, keeping his arms folded. He was the portrait of discontent. 

“Oh come on, love, I know you hate clowns, but the circus is literally—what? 3% clowns! What about all the animals or the performers? The trapeze are always amazing! The animals, too, and this circus proclaims to be cruelty-free so really, that’s who we ought to support.” Renly was looking for any argument to persuade Loras that this was not a terrible idea.

“Renly. There’s no actual _proof_ they’re cruelty-free, and the circus is definitely more than 3% clowns.” Loras was terrified of clowns, and Renly knew this, yet he thought surprise to the circus was a great idea.

“Loras, just give it a chance? Please?” Renly looked so sad, and Loras could never resist Renly’s ‘sad puppy’ look.

“Fine. But if it’s more than 3% clowns I am so leaving and locking myself in the car!”

Renly’s face lighted up and it wasn’t long before they arrived at the circus. Loras held on to Renly’s arm as they walked into the big tent after having their tickets checked by a fucking clown. The circus was already at least 1% clown.

Loras was glad to see their seats were at least far from the main ring and he sat close to Renly as the show began. Whenever Loras saw the opening act, he kind of just stared at Renly with the most hateful expression, but he wasn’t expecting to see the look on Renly’s face.

Renly looked mortified as he watched roughly 30 clowns stuff themselves into a car in the center ring. He was never afraid of clowns before, but something about watching 30 grown men and women in clown garb stuff themselves into a small car made him want to either throw up or start kicking clown ass. “Loras. Loras, we have to get out of here,” Renly whispered, still staring at the scene in horror.

“Oh! Oh, now you want to leave? Now you’re upset about clowns?” Loras lowered his voice after his loud exclamation, “You know what? Fuck you, Renly!” 

“Loras, please.” Renly appeared to be so genuinely upset that Loras couldn’t just neglect him, and so he stood up, taking Renly’s hand to lead him from the big tent.

“Let’s get the fuck out of clown town,” Loras smiled back at Renly, happy to be leaving the circus himself. Naturally, Renly couldn’t help but start to giggle at “clown town.”


	19. The Circus (Part 2 of 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly has the worst date idea ever--the circus, and it has already went very wrong. Luckily, Loras tends to make things better. Part 2 of 2, rated Mature. TW: Coulrophobia, or clowns because clowns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so. I edited the fic to say I would wrap things up in 25 chapters. This is to put a deadline on me and this may change in the future, but currently, I've found myself wanting to write a lot of smut and tragedy and tragic smut, so the tentative number of chapters on this will be 25. :) Promise not to leave it on a cliffhanger, and the tumblr "stannissucks" will still be active in all its every day posting glory.

Loras leads Renly away from the big top tent, weaving around people to move towards the parking lot. Feeling his hand begin to ache thanks to Renly squeezing it, Loras practically shouts, “We’re almost to the car, Renly, no need to break my hand!”

“I’m sorry, Loras,” Renly answers, loosening his grip on Loras’ hand. “You’re right, we’re really cl—oh fuck me sideways!”

Both men turn their heads to see all of the clowns that were stuffed in the car, now relaxed and talking to each other, waiting for their next part in the show. Some of the clowns are smoking; the others are simply talking or laughing. Regardless, the scene is horrifying.

“Come on, Renly, we’ve got to keep going!” Loras feels as though they are in a war zone as he tightens his grip on Renly’s hand once again, tugging him away from the clowns.

By the time the two get to the car, Renly is breathing fast and Loras sits in the driver’s seat watching him, his face full of concern. “You okay, Renly?”

“Yeah…yeah, I’m sorry.” Renly looks down, trying to regain his breath. “This was such a bad idea.” Renly feels guilty over the fact he insisted they go, despite knowing Loras hates clowns. He just had no idea he hated clowns so much too.

“Renly, it’s okay. Really, I promise.” The car starts up quickly, running in near silence. Loras leans over to place a kiss on Renly’s cheek. “I may hate clowns, but I will protect you from them.”

Renly smiles a little at that and adds, “I do need protecting, especially from clowns apparently—thank you, Loras.” Renly closes the gap between them again, this time carefully placing a kiss on Loras’ lips, letting his own eyes fall closed when Loras leans into the kiss.

Loras smirks against Renly’s lips, unable to hide how happy Renly makes him and how he appreciates his humble nature. Despite the whole date disaster, Renly was always so sweet, and even now, he could admit he was wrong.

As a quiet song played on the car radio, Renly reaches up to touch Loras’ face, using his thumb to rub his cheek as he deepens the kiss. Loras’ tongue eagerly finds his own and Renly slides his hand down to play with the hem of Loras’ shirt as they kiss.

The kiss is long, passionate even, but they both know each other well enough to know that they can’t stop now. “Renly,” Loras nearly whispers, out of breath after breaking the kiss. He can feel his cock hardening in his pants thanks to Renly’s light touches to the exposed areas of his skin and the current promise of more to be had in the car. Loras would actually be quite satisfied with having Renly fuck him the back seat of the car, so he continues, “Are we really doing this?”

“Fucking in the car after we left the circus thanks to a large number of clowns? You bet.”


	20. The Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly catches Loras dancing provocatively to something unexpected. Rated Teen.

Renly couldn’t believe his eyes. He got home from work early and the moment he stepped in the house, he could hear it—Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” blaring from Loras’ study. 

He treaded quietly towards the room, peering in to see Loras completely losing it. There was no other way to describe it. He danced wildly and even attempted to twerk across the room. It couldn’t even be called twerking—Loras barely had an ass to twerk with.

Renly lifted his hand to bite down on it to keep from laughing as he watched Loras. He had no idea Loras loved the song so much, or that Loras danced like this outside of the club without any alcohol in his system. The sight was pure gold, but he felt guilty for watching him and getting such amusement from it.

Finally, towards the end of the song, Renly stepped in and just kind of stared at Loras as he held on to the wall, shaking his ass yet again. “Uh…hi, Loras.”

As Loras froze in place and whipped his head around, the shocked expression he wore only caused Renly to laugh again—this time, he laughed audibly.

“Well, don’t let me stop you!” Renly tried to suppress his laughter again, but he simply couldn’t—not with how offended Loras looked. Loras turned around and narrowed his eyes, turning off the music as he stormed out of the room. “What?! I didn’t say it was bad!” 

Suddenly, Renly felt awful for laughing and not telling Loras he was there sooner. He could see it now—Loras was probably curled up on the couch looking absolutely pissed. He had to make it up to him somehow.

Renly did the only thing he could. He gathered up a Bluetooth speaker and his iPod before stepping into the living room. It was just as he predicted; Loras was curled up on the couch looking absolutely pissed.

Inhaling deeply, Renly turned on the iPod and Warrant’s “Sweet Cherry Pie” started to play.

 

_She's my cherry pie_

_Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise_

_Taste so good make a grown man cry_

_Sweet cherry pie—_

 

As the song began, Renly strutted over to Loras, straddling his lap to give him the lap dance of a lifetime. He pulled off his shirt dramatically, twirling it in the air before tossing it aside.

Loras wanted to stay angry, but he couldn’t. His sour expression broke into a fit of giggles as Renly got up off his lap to continue his striptease to the song. Between the dramatic stripping, climbing onto the coffee table to dance, and the lap dancing, Loras couldn’t stop smiling, and it was clear Renly was very sorry.


	21. The Hunting Knives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mace gifts Renly a pair of hunting knives that Renly has no idea what to do with. Based on a story that happened over at the stannissucks tumblr. Rated mature.

“I can’t believe your father got me these. I don’t think Mace really even knows me!”

Loras sighed, sitting on the couch as he looked up at Renly, watching him examine the pair of hunting knives his father had gifted Renly for his birthday. “To be fair, you used to hunt more with your brother than you have recently.”

“But I never even killed anything! I hate hunting. I went to ‘bond’ with Robert,” Renly retorted, carefully examining the knives.

Honestly, they were beautiful knives. The handles were definitely finely carved and smoothed out from what had to have been an antler of some sort. “I don’t know, Renly, put them in a box on display or something. They’re nice to look at if nothing else.” 

Renly knew Loras was right—they would make for beautiful decorations. He also knew that he was being a complete brat in complaining about a gift, but it was silly for such expensive knives to go to waste. What else could he do with them?  
  
“Wait!” Renly smiled, and Loras raised an eyebrow because he _knew_ that look.

“Renly,” Loras began warningly, “What is it?”

“We should swordfight.”

“Renly, that’s a terrible idea! The blades are so short. Someone would get stabbed and you know it.” Loras narrowed his eyes now, standing up. He had the sudden need to take the blades from Renly’s hands.

“No! No, I mean…there’s two of them, and two of us, and what if…” Renly trailed off, pulling the knives away from Loras, looking into his eyes. He was afraid to suggest the rest, but would anyways, against his better judgment. “What if we inserted the handles into our own arses and fought that way? It’d be funny and they’d get used technically, plus look how beautiful they are, Loras…” Renly trailed off again.

Loras stared at Renly in utter disbelief. He couldn’t believe Renly actually just suggested that. “No!” He exclaimed, crossing his arms. “I am…I will not! And how would we even manage that without getting hurt?”

“Ahhh, but see, you are thinking about it.” Renly smirked, unable to stop the blush that crept across his cheeks. Even he was ashamed of himself, just a little. “Come on, Loras. We could definitely do it if we were careful and just think about having that on our Bucket List—something like that is bragging rights!”

“Something like that should never be talked about again.” Loras still looked angry and offended at the suggestion, but his expression softened a little as he thought about it. It _would_ make for a wild story, and those handles did look nice—they had a bit of a curve to them, yet appeared smooth, pleasurable—“Fine. Fucking, fine.”

Renly’s eyes widened when Loras submitted and he tilted his head in disbelief. “What was that?”

“I said fine, Renly.” Loras met Renly’s eyes, still glaring at the other man, but it wasn’t long before both men were undressed and Renly was bent over the arm of the couch.

He knelt on the couch, leaning against the arm while Loras knelt behind him on another cushion, carefully lubricating a knife handle. This was one of the conditions—Renly had to go first.

“Be gentle,” Renly insisted, closing his eyes as he braced for the inevitable intrusion of the cool, blunt knife handle. 

Reaching down to spread Renly’s ass cheeks, Loras rolled his eyes.


	22. The iPhone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's no secret that Renly has some odd practices in bed, but even Loras is unsure of this one. Based on a post over at stannissucks and lines are co-written by roses-bloom-again on tumblr. Rated explicit.

Loras had four fingers worked into Renly by now, stretching him in preparation for what was to come. Renly moaned as Loras slid his fingers in and out of him agonizingly slow, fingertips brushing against his prostate each time he pushed in.

Renly gasped as he felt Loras lean close to him, placing kisses on his lower back, ass, and then at the back of his thighs. He shivered as Loras left a small bite below his left ass cheek. Loras twisted his fingers a little as he pushed them into Renly again. “I’m ready,” Renly managed to choke out, overwhelmed with pleasure. “Please, Loras.”

“But what if I’m not?” Loras teased, smiling fondly as he pulled his fingers out of Renly carefully.

The smell of cinnamon filled the dark room, the only light coming from three candles lit on a nearby mantle. Renly whined quietly, looking back at Loras, “Please? I’m ready for the iPod, but it has to be playing the Russell Crowe version of ‘Stars.’ It _has_ to be that version.”

“Renly, it’s going to hurt.”

“I think you’ve stretched me well enough. Come on, Loras,” Renly practically begged, spreading his legs a little more to give Loras space and to egg him on.

“The vibrations from an ear bud are not going to ‘rock your prostate,’ Ren.” Loras sounded concerned as he spoke but regardless, he reached over on the nightstand to retrieve the iPhone 6s plus in rose gold, of course. The phone was expensive—128 GB and practically unused. Loras wrapped the earbuds around the phone vertically after setting the device to play Russell Crowe’s version of “Stars” from _Les Miserables_. He knew Renly wouldn’t take no for an answer. 

“You don’t know that, Loras.” 

“Anyone knows that.” But Loras was always supportive, no matter how terrible of an idea he knew it was. He scooted close to Renly, holding the iPhone in one hand while readying Renly’s hole with the other. Loras pressed the “play” button before he squirted a generous amount of lubrication on the phone. He teased it into Renly very carefully, and very slowly, listening to the muted sounds of Russell Crowe singing accompanied by Renly’s soft whines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amount of times I looped Russell Crowe's version of "Stars" while writing this was ungodly. The things I do for love.


	23. The Cheese Wheel (Part 1 of 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly and Loras get in trouble at a supermarket after too much wine. Rated Teen and Up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit for this chapter goes to roses-bloom-again yet again for helping me hash this out!

It was nearly 3 a.m. and the fluorescent lights from the supermarket seemed ungodly bright; so bright that they made Renly and Loras both squint as though they were watching an eclipse or at the beach on a sunny day. 

Both men had been drinking wine all night at a dinner party and luckily, Margaery had agreed to be the designated driver who would get everyone home safe. Unfortunately, Renly had other plans.

Almost immediately after getting in the car, Renly felt a craving for cheese after drinking _all_ that wine. He hadn’t thought about it until now, but the two were supposed to go together. Of course, he didn’t exactly disclose that this was why he needed to stop at the supermarket, but as he approached the specialty cheeses in the dairy aisle, Loras was getting the idea. “Renly. We did _not_ just stop here for you to get a cheese fix, did we? Answer me. Did we?!”

Renly was so drunk that he could hardly see straight, let alone comprehend what Loras was saying. All he could think was: _Cheese. Wine. That sounds good. Got to get cheese. Wow. Look_. His gaze had fixed upon a particularly appetizing looking wheel. The next thing he knew, that wheel was torn open and he was taking bites out of it, as if he were eating a sandwich.

“Are you fucking _kidding_ me?!” Loras was practically screaming now. “Are you serious? You have no class! You’re uncultured! You eat the cheese _with_ the wine, not _after_! Fucking hell, Renly! Put it down. Now!”

Slowly, Renly was processing what Loras was saying, but as intoxicated as he was, the situation seemed acceptable enough. His voice matched Loras’ volume as he shouted back, “You are uncultured! You’re the one screaming in the dairy aisle of the grocer’s!”

Neither party was sure how long this went on for, but soon enough, the store manager was walking their way to settle this. “Sirs, you need to leave right now or we _will_ be calling the police. Go!” Now this finally silenced the pair and captured their attention. “Go on! Out! And you better believe you are not welcome back again!”

Renly dropped the wheel of cheese on the floor, but walked with Loras in stunned silence outside, escorted by the manager. Neither man fought the manager, and Renky could not help but think that this must have taken a lot of restraint from Loras.

Margaery knew right away that Renly and Loras walking out with a manager spelt bad news, and so she exited her car, folding her arms. The story seemed a likely one, but she was still incredibly frustrated and incredibly disappointed with her brother’s taste in men. “Does this mean I’m banned too?” She could not help but wonder after hearing the manager’s tale.

When Margaery found out she was to be banned from the store as well, her blood was boiling. “You fucking idiots! You morons! I’m done with this! I’m done babysitting you!” To Margaery, she was being condemned to Wal-Mart shopping or something of the like. “You can walk and think about what you’ve done! Get lost for all I care.”

Renly and Loras could do nothing but stare as Margaery drove away out of anger. It seemed like three minutes of silence before Renly was slowly cracking a smile again. He nudged Loras’ arm and suggested, “How about we walk home through the park, yeah?”

Loras’ shoulders slumped a little, but he nodded, following Renly’s lead as they both started to sober up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After two years, we are finally getting a conclusion to this story. :) Part two will be following shortly.


	24. The Cheese Wheel (Part 2 of 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loras and Renly must navigate the local park on their way home from a night out after the supermarket incident. Rated Mature.

The park was surprisingly dark; both men had thought it would have been better lit for it being as late as it was. Renly was worried they would come across wild raccoons or perhaps muggers, but between the cool weather, the wine in their system, and the excitement from the grocery store, Renly and Loras were in good spirits and it was only getting better as they began to recall the night’s events.

Renly began, “Okay, but how about the fact I got us banned all over cheese that tasted like shit! I think that’s the best part.”

“That’s good, it is! But Margaery’s freak out over being banned—now _that_ was good. She loved that grocer.”

Renly and Loras laughed now, probably at the shared image of Margaery having to shop at a cheaper grocery store. Once their laughter died down, Renly got closer to Loras and took his hand, lacing their fingers together. “I’m real proud of you though.”

“For what?” Loras looked at Renly through heavily lidded eyes. He was exhausted from the night and the walk home would not make it any better.

“For not punching that manager or starting a fight.” It was rather shocking, Loras backing down from a potential fight, but Renly was glad he did. Spending the night in jail would have been much worse than walking home through the park. Perhaps the alcohol had actually calmed Loras’ fiery temper tonight.

Loras gave Renly a smile, and Renly paused by a small pond to lean in, placing a kiss on Loras’ cheek. “I think I deserve a better reward than a kiss on the cheek for not fighting.”

“My mistake.” Renly corrected himself by reaching up to hold Loras’ face so that he could steady himself as he kissed Loras properly this time. One of Renly’s hands slid up to rest at the back of Loras’ neck as the kiss was deepened. At this point, Loras could taste the unfavorable cheese from the cheese wheel in Renly’s mouth, but he didn’t care too much—not enough to stop. It _was_ Renly after all; Loras had tasted worse on him.

Loras reached up with both hands to grab Renly’s face, tugging him back towards a bench as Renly moaned softly into the kiss. It was becoming increasingly evident that they would have to make a stop in the park at the rate they were going. The two men were made more eager than usual by the alcohol and arousal was coming easy as well.

Renly’s hands wandered over Loras’ body, sliding down his back to rest at his ass, where he gave it a playful squeeze. The movement made Loras pull back from the kiss a little to meet Renly’s eyes while his right thumb stroked Renly’s cheek. Loras wished to tell Renly how _terrible_ that cheese and wine was on his breath, but pushed that thought aside. He instead thought about something _much_ better to say, “Sit down. Let me ride you on that bench until the sun comes up. Please?”

The image was too tempting and Renly had no opposition towards the idea—why would he? It was a rare occasion Loras actually said ‘please’ and he looked so fucking _good_. Renly backed up towards the bench, almost sitting down before he noticed—a homeless man sleeping on the park bench. “Holy shit!” Renly stepped towards Loras, avoiding sitting down on the man.

“Tell him to get up!” Loras urged, whining quietly. He _really_ wanted to continue with their plans.

“You!” Renly hissed. The two stood in silence for a minute before Renly shook his head, “No. We can’t. Let’s go home? We can count it a win that we _didn’t_ fuck on a homeless guy!”

Loras sighed, smiling as he saw Renly’s point. “Very true. We were sober enough for that! High five?” The pair turned to each other for a high five, barely hitting the other’s hand. Clearly, they were still more intoxicated than they led on. With the new motivation, the walk home was at least quicker and they could brag to Margaery that they were so sober that they _didn’t_ fuck on a homeless guy in the park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe just one more chapter until the big finish! This is actually sad.


	25. The Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renly has a strange dream. The conclusion of this series. :') Rated Teen and up.

Loras rushed into his and Renly’s bedroom as he heard Renly gasping for air from the other room. It wasn’t unusual for Renly to have nightmares, but this one sounded particularly bad.

Seated upright, Renly was grabbing at the blankets around him, looking about the room in panic. “O-oh my god.”

Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, Loras reached over to take Renly’s hand in his own. “Hey. Hey, it’s alright, shh. Everything’s okay.”

“I had the worst nightmare,” Renly said as he began to slow his breathing. He squeezed Loras’ hand and continued, “It was strange, and just _terrible_.”

“Yeah?” Loras was genuinely curious; it wasn’t often that something made Renly react in such a way, but he didn’t wish to push his lover either. “You can talk about it if you want. I mean, you don’t have to, but I’m here.”

Renly nodded, swallowing hard. He looked down and narrowed his eyes as though he was having trouble recalling what he had just experienced. “I don’t know. So much was going on. So much happened! I…it was…everything was in medieval times. Stannis and I fought more, and he killed me with this—shadow that had his face! It was some sort of dark magic, I’m sure, but then you had to go on without me.”

“Renly, that sounds ridiculous, you realize?” Loras said softly, looking at his lover with sympathy despite the fact he thought the dream sounded ridiculous thus far.

“I know how it sounds, but it was terrible. Your face when you had to sit and watch over my body. I was some sort of king and you—you were my knight. You were so sad.”

“Of course you were king,” Loras muttered.

“You tried to take another lover, but were persecuted for being with me, I think. Then Cersei was mad for some reason. I mean, Robert wasn’t around so who _knows_ what it was this time, but she planned to trick you, Marg, and Mace into getting locked into this big, old…cathedral looking thing!”

“Cersei is always mad, love.”

“But she blew it up! You were gone, and Marg, and Mace! It was awful, just awful, all of it.” Renly looked down as he concluded. Loras could feel Renly’s hand trembling as he held it. Clearly, what Renly had seen had shaken him.

“Listen.” Loras let go of Renly’s hand so he could place it under his chin and lift his head. When Renly’s eyes met Loras’, he let go of his chin so he could hold Renly’s head between his hands. “You’re safe. I’m safe. It was just a dream. We have a _lifetime_ together.”

Renly smiled a little, sighing deeply. He nodded once, feeling relieved with Loras so close and with every word he said.

“Besides, we have to get to the church. Today’s Cersei’s stupid potluck for Tommen’s birthday. Dad and Marg are already there and you aren’t even out of bed yet!” Loras booped Renly on the nose lightly before standing up to go finish getting ready.

Smiling more, Renly stretched a little and rose from bed to get dressed for the party.

Loras poked his head back in the room as Renly was getting ready. “Take your time. Dad says Cersei and Tommen aren’t even there yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take that for what you will. I'm actually really emotional finishing this! It's a mess, but it's been my mess for two years. I will be writing more Renly and Loras though! Hope you've enjoyed. ♡❀


End file.
